Yesterday was a hard day. I was feeling very emotional. From extremely angry to flowing tears. I have decided that I don't appreciate it when people say," What would your nephew want? " " Would he want you to be sad and cry or go on with your life? " I don't know about you, but when I die, I want people to be upset. I want some tears, I want people to feel bad because I am gone.
Please don't tell me that my nephew is happy about this situation. How would you even possibly begin to know that? "Don't worry, he is in a better place" B** S***! I don't know about this so called better place. If it exists or not, no one really knows and do not try and tell me that you do know, because unless you have been there and come back, you do not know. I do know that all the people here on earth that loved my nephew, would really rather have him here. In my heart, I want there to be a better place. Something comforting to think about to make death less scary.
My nephew didn't get a chance to think. He died without warning, no illness, no long hospital stay in an ICU, no touch and go. He was killed and the man that did this to him and his girlfriend, was released from the hospital the next damn day. NOT FAIR!
My brother and his wife never saw their son after it happened. The coroner wouldn't let them. That makes me sick inside. Makes me want to scream, WHY?
Everything I see and hear ties into what happened. All the accident reports on the news, hearing people joke and kid and say things like," I could just die " or " if you do that again, I will kill you ", just makes me gasp in horror. I am guilty of using these phrases, and I consciously do my best not to say them. The other day I heard about a crash on Hwy 17. A notorious stretch of freeway that has claimed many lives. There was a fatality, my daughter drives this freeway quite often. She went to college at UC Santa Cruz and still goes back there to visit roommates. I called her on her cell phone, and she answered. The thought of something else happening had my heart pounding and my mind reeling. Later I heard that the person that died in that accident, was a 20 year old male, from San Jose I believe. I started to cry. His poor family, I know what is going on in their lives right now. The pain, sorrow and disbelief. My brother talked to me last night on a computer video chat. He told me that he had cleaned out his son's car and found notebooks from school. All the doodles and writings. He found a little rubber chicken, just like my nephew, silly, funny kid. My brother had been crying, he is sad, very angry and wants his son back. I agree with him. My emotions are all over the place where this is concerned.
After the video chat, I went to check on my neighbors cat. Mr. Fuzzypants (not his real name) is not doing well. In fact his owner is pretty sure he is dying. MFP has always been a great big grey tabby cat, with a heart of pure gold and a huge appetite. Now his owner says he barely eats a whole can of cat food a day. He would eat forever before. Eating at his own house and then coming over to visit me to see if he could get something yummy for dessert. I was dreading going over there. What if he had died, I didn't want to find him and I was also afraid of seeing him alive. What if he looks pathetic and so thin he can hardly walk. I put the key in the door and I could hear him meowing on the other side. That was a good sign. I turned on the kitchen light, and there he was, a shadow of his former self. So thin I could see his backbone and his sides are all caved in. I was shocked, but that sweet cat was so happy to see me. He was winding all around my legs and looking up at me. He was doing his hungry dance, so I got his dishes and cleaned them out. New water and a new can of gravy soaked cat food. He loves that and he gets whatever he wants now. I watched him eat and I just started crying my eyes out. Life isn't fair! The cat's condition pushed a button for me. I was sobbing over MFP, the kid that died on 17, and my nephew.
All of it is just so awful.
Life is not fair and I wonder sometimes if I will ever even consider being happy again. |
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